Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) August 21, 2018
Naked and Afraid, but it’s just parents getting out of the shower after leaving their kids unsupervised for a few minutes.
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) August 20, 2018
Welcome to Parenthood:
Finishing thoughts, meals and R.E.M. cycles are a thing of the past now.
— ☕️MacgyveringMom22? (@MacgyveringM22) August 22, 2018
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 min. hugging & comforting*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 19, 2018
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 23, 2018
My daughter is so sweet, today she held the door open and let in her brother, both dogs and 26 flies.
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 20, 2018
Now that 7 is semi-literate, he no longer believes my “SHUH DA FA CUP” mug reads “My Favorite Word is Mommy”
— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) August 23, 2018
My five year old calls getting kids meals at McDonald’s “doing happy hour” so yeah I’m thinking this kid is definitely mine
— ErBear (@Rica_Bee) August 23, 2018
If you guys need anything, just get my 6yo to ask her grandma for it.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 20, 2018
Daytime parenting: strict screen time limits. 1hr only. Child must earn it.
5am parenting (hands 4yo iPad): take this so I can sleep.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) August 22, 2018
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 21, 2018
The packaging says baby gate, but everybody knows it’s really a climbing wall for kids and a hurdle for adults.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) August 22, 2018
That part in Office Space where they destroy the printer, only it’s me going after my 2yo’s pack and play.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) August 22, 2018
What do you wear to a pop concert
What do moms wear to a pop concert
Orthopedic inserts one day shipping
— Anna Grace (@graceupongracie) August 20, 2018
Daughter, whining: “There’s nothing to drink.”
Me: “We have apple juice, orange juice, milk and water.”
Her, still whining: “There’s nothing I want.”
Me: “What do you want?”
Her: “Chocolate milk.”
Me: “So, what you meant to say was, we’re out of chocolate syrup.”
— Dad Bits (@DadBits) August 20, 2018
Becoming a parent is a great way to find out how little patience you have.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) August 22, 2018
8YR OLD: dad, guess what? a swing broke on the playground at school
ME: so would you say it’s ‘off the chain’?
8: ok I’m just going to stop telling you things
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) August 23, 2018
Net worth: three Hatchimals, two Build a Bears and a tub full of Legos.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) August 21, 2018
Strike fear into the hearts of your children by telling them what you’re making for dinner.
— Jesspacito (@mommajessiec) August 21, 2018
Kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Hi, hungry. I’m mom.
Kid: That’s only funny when dad does it.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) August 23, 2018
Wife: Maybe being the “cool dad” means not trying so hard.
Me (Wearing a shirt that says Get Lit Fam) I totes agree, makes me salty when someone in the squad tries to front. Just keep it gucci bae.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 23, 2018
It absolutely rules that baby trousers can all be pulled up in such a way as to make your infant son look like a Star Trek character whose utopian society hides a terrible secret. pic.twitter.com/kCL4frvrF6
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) August 24, 2018