Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
SEPTEMBER: *creates tiny forest creatures out of vegetables and cheese* hope you like them, sweetheart!
MAY: *crams frozen Stouffer’s lasagna into lunch box* JUST ASK THE LUNCH LADY TO TOSS IT IN THE MICROWAVE FOR 6 MINUTES, WE’RE GONNA MISS THE BUS LET’S GO
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 30, 2018
It’s the first day of summer break and my kids are on #72 of the 75 fun summer activities we had planned.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 29, 2018
Parenting is a lot easier if you are comfortable with bribery and lies.
— Cydni Beer (@themessednest) May 29, 2018
So, glad it’s summer so we can finally relax.
Also me: STOP TOUCHING EACH OTHER NON-STOP no you don’t need another snack get down from there NO WE CAN’T DO A LEMONADE STAND you aren’t hungry be quiet.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) May 25, 2018
I dgaf if you’re not dishwasher safe.
I’m a mom of three. I got shit to do.
You’re goin in.
May the odds be ever in your favor.
— my name is no. (@om_eye_goodness) May 29, 2018
Me: I was thinking we could plant a garden this summer. What should we grow?
Me: *pulls summer school flyer out of recycling bin*
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 24, 2018
My 8yo: I don’t like movies – they’re too long
Also my 8yo: *watches 2-hr long Minecraft YouTube video without budging
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 31, 2018
5yo: Mommy, can you play Candyland with only 2 people?
Me, tentatively: Yes….
5yo: Okay. We’re not gonna play Candyland, I just wanted to know.
I’ve never loved her more.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 30, 2018
I think the people who made the rule that kids need to be in school for 180 days should be required to come to your home and get your kids out of bed during the last month.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) June 1, 2018
My 3-year-old came running in to give me this bracelet she made at preschool. She said it was for me. It’s the first gift she’s ever given me of her own will. I bent down and gave her a hug. My heart welled up with fatherly love. 3 minutes later, she asked for it back. pic.twitter.com/WiTM6SP2WI
— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) May 29, 2018
I try not to cuss in front of my kids, but I sure talk about a lot of mother truckers.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) May 30, 2018
Nothing strikes fear and panic into the heart of a parent like a lost sippy cup with milk in it.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 1, 2018
I wish kids had background music so we knew when they were doing something bad.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) May 26, 2018
My kids talk about the 1980s the same way I talk about the 1700s.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) June 1, 2018
Doctor: Are you eating well?
*flashback to son stealing my orange and daughter drinking half my smoothie at breakfast*
“No, but my kids are.”
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) May 29, 2018
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) May 31, 2018