Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
“Change your underwear or you’re not allowed to wear cowboy boots” is a real thing I had to say to my toddler this morning.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) May 8, 2018
My 8yo said I ruined his life. I’m so proud of myself because I didn’t expect to do that until he was at least 15.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 11, 2018
Welcome to parenthood.
Hope you like hearing “THERE’S NOTHING TO EAT!” right after you just spent your life savings at the grocery store.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 7, 2018
American Ninja Warrior, but for parents.
Obstacles include: getting a straw into a juice pack on the first try and waking a teen for school in under 15 minutes.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) May 8, 2018
Motherhood has made me a professional sigher.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) May 7, 2018
You know you’re old when you go to a concert and the lead singer’s banter includes, “How many babysitters were hired tonight?”
— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 11, 2018
My 3-year-old called her corn dog a “hot dog sword” and now I’m never calling it anything else.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 10, 2018
I’d pour one out for all the potty training parents, but that would just make more clean-up and that wouldn’t help anyone.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) May 10, 2018
Had to draw a “The Flash” logo on our 4 year old’s arm to cajole him into leaving the house today.
— dadpression (@Dadpression) May 10, 2018
Me: Don’t forget the most important part of baking cookies-
Son: Having fun!
Daughter: Putting some of the dough aside for when Mommy gets sad!
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) May 9, 2018
“Not right now.”
– me, to my toddler 90,000 times a day
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 9, 2018
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 9, 2018
Being a parent teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, this morning my 7yo told me that I’m not as funny as I think I am.
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 7, 2018
Parenthood is like boot camp for your dignity.
— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) May 8, 2018
Good morning. My 3 year old is throwing a tantrum because I went to the bathroom.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) May 10, 2018
In my experience when one door closes it reopens and closes 13 times by a small child.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 6, 2018
Thank goodness I got a minivan. Now there’s an entire third row for extra garbage.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) May 8, 2018
Son: What’s for dinner?
*He screams, starts hyperventilating, loses all control, begins to break from reality*
Son: (suddenly stops) Wait. Have I ever had fish?
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 10, 2018
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) May 6, 2018
I wish I could turn down food as easily as my toddler does.
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) May 7, 2018