Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Parenting is basically just walking around your house picking up dirty socks and threatening to take away everything your kid loves.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) April 30, 2018
Welcome to parenthood. You’ve got something on your shirt and your kid just took their pants off again.
— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) May 3, 2018
Like a moth to a flame except it’s all 3 of my children and it’s me in the bathroom.
— MacgyveringMom (@MacgyveringM22) April 30, 2018
7yo: Why do I need to go for allergy testing?
Me: Because then we can find out what you’re allergic to.
7yo: Oh god. Hopefully not gouda.
— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) April 30, 2018
What position is it in soccer where my kid tries to find a four leaf clover?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 1, 2018
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) April 29, 2018
There’s no better feeling as a parent than when there is screeching and you figure out it’s not coming from your child
— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) May 3, 2018
My 5yo just said “You’re the best mommy in the world and I would never ever ever punch you,” and I think I might get that cross-stitched onto a pillow.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 28, 2018
If I start my toddler’s nighttime routine by 6PM I can usually get her to bed by 8PM the following day.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 1, 2018
6y/o, intensely, as we drive past his classmate walking to school: Wait, slow the car, I KNOW him, WHY I’D RECOGNIZE THAT POKÉMON BACKBACK ANYWHERE!
— maura quint (@behindyourback) May 4, 2018
One skill all moms possess is the ability to find room for one more thing in an already absolutely stuffed freezer.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 1, 2018
You can spot a soccer mom by the camp chairs she keeps in the trunk of her SUV.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 30, 2018
WIFE: Aw you bought a new bubble gun for the kids!
ME *standing in the driveway firing bubbles like John Romero* For who now?
— Dave Learns Dadding (@DaveLearnsToDad) April 30, 2018
Hell hath no fury like a woman who after a long day is greeted with “what’s for dinner.”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 3, 2018
Baby giraffes and horses can walk just minutes after they’re born.
My kids are teens and can’t pour milk without spilling it.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) May 3, 2018
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
— Andrew Fowler (@fowlerism) April 30, 2018
Being a parent is just walking around the house & picking up Nerf darts until you die.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 30, 2018
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 3, 2018
Son: dad there’s a monster in my room, can I sleep in here?
Me: look it’s you he’s after, why make him my problem too?
— The Dad (@thedad) May 2, 2018
My daughter: Mommy, tell me a story that starts “Once upon a time”
Me: Check it out. “Once upon a time in ’94. Montel made no money and life sure was slow. All they said was 6’8” he stood, and people thought the music that he made was good. There lived a DJ & Paul was his name.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) May 3, 2018