Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Having kids involved in sports is fun if you like coming home & making dinner at 10pm.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 27, 2018
To get back at my kids for asking “Are we there yet?” during long car rides, I’m gonna start asking “Are we done yet?” during their long-ass stories.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 25, 2018
Every time we dads do something great for our kids, another pocket appears on our cargo shorts.
— Jeff (@EddieHarris216) April 24, 2018
I can’t seem to find an emoticon of a woman silently weeping next to a pile of unfolded laundry.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) April 23, 2018
Happy Monday morning. Sorry you forgot about the 24 mini muffins you signed up to send to school with your kid today.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 23, 2018
Teen: Mom it’s 3pm and I haven’t eaten yet.
Me: You know you’re a 16 year old in a house with a fully stocked fridge right?
Teen: *stares expectantly*
— Ijeoma Oluo (@IjeomaOluo) April 19, 2018
Being a parent is twisted because you never actually feel like a grown-up and yet you constantly expect your children to behave like one.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 25, 2018
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) April 25, 2018
1st toddler: Organic everything. Lots of one on one play time.
4th toddler: “Here’s a bag of Takis, dude. Do whatever you want, just don’t burn the house down.”
— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) April 25, 2018
Imagine a sprinkler stuck in the on position and instead of water it’s shooting out words. That’s what it’s like with kids.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) April 25, 2018
Teaching my children about the composting process by emptying the contents of my purse.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 24, 2018
There’s no way I’m taking the blame for something my wife thinks the kids did that I actually did.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 24, 2018
Pretty sure I could get my kid to do practically anything as long as they think I’m going to make a YouTube video about it.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 26, 2018
3-year-old: Can I stare at my lunchbox?
Me: Um, I guess.
3: *stares at her lunchbox*
Another wild night.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 23, 2018
Me: Good, the kids are in bed. I can finally get some important stuff done.
*Puts on pjs
*Pours glass of wine
*Googles how tall Bruno Mars is in real life
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) April 24, 2018
Bedtime with kids is like that last mile of a marathon. You can almost see the finish line, but it might take you hours to crawl over it.
— Janina Maria (@dontlosethekids) April 26, 2018
Today my 7yo asked if we could “please, please get the toilet roll with the dog on the package because dogs love to eat poop.”
— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) April 23, 2018
A law degree wouldn’t help you win an argument with a toddler that a purple crayon is not green.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) April 27, 2018
MY MOM AT 36: wakes up, showers, gets dressed, makes breakfast for whole family, does 2 loads of laundry, heads to work
ME AT 36: wakes up, mainlines coffee all morning, shares a few memes, whines a bunch about how hard it is being an adult, lets kids eat chips for breakfast
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 25, 2018