The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
starting to realize i dont want a husband i just want a two-income household
— tasbeeh herwees (@THerwees) January 4, 2019
Gatorade is a drink for both world class athletes and hungover drunks who don’t know how they got home last night. There’s no middle ground. Nobody is drinking Gatorade because their day was fine. You either brought home the state championship or woke up in a state prison.
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) December 29, 2018
god bless all the barelegged young people firming it out there tonight, committed to new year looks that do not allow for tights. you are the engine of this great party nation.
— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) December 31, 2018
If you pay me $50 I’ll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so that people think you died with a dark and interesting secret.
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) January 3, 2019
My resolution is to hug more people this year but to do that thing where over their shoulder I make an evil smile they have no idea about
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) January 2, 2019
I love the exciting moment at a gender reveal party when you find out if the baby will be a boy or if it’ll be unlikable
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) January 2, 2019
The seriousness of purpose with which I take buzzfeed quizzes always makes me laugh. I do that shit like it’s the SATs.
— roxane gay (@rgay) January 1, 2019
I have never given a Ted Talk but I have spent 18 minutes saying “godfuckingdammit” while trying to find a parking ticket in my purse.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) January 3, 2019
If I ask you to speak at my wedding, know that it is NOT a typo and I DID write ‘roast’ instead of ‘toast.’ please destroy me & my silly weak ass husband in front of all our loved ones, thank you
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) January 3, 2019
I’m up for any New Year’s Eve party as long as it starts at six, ends by eight, involves food, and doesn’t require any social interaction whatsoever.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) December 31, 2018
do not watch my instagram stories unless you are prepared to ask for my hand in marriage
— ziwe (@ziwe) December 30, 2018
told a grown man to not throw his litter on the subway floor. I don’t need children, I’m America’s parent.
— Sarah Sweeney (@heysarahsweeney) January 1, 2019
I wish I could do anything as well as the woman who screams “Everybody dance now!” in C+C Music Factory.
— The Sassiest Semite (@LittleMissLizz) January 3, 2019
You know you’re old when you get in an Uber and they change it to throwback jams instead of top 40.
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) January 3, 2019
My personal style is “actress trying to win an Oscar by taking on her bravest role yet”
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) January 1, 2019
Had half a beer after a long workday and am absolutely down to fight anyone meet me at the flagpole
— shakira (@jodecicry) January 4, 2019
Drunk man at this open mic said, shit this guy sucks I could get up there! And I said you can. There’s a sign up. And he said for real? And I said yeah and he said…nah I’m good.
And that is most of Twitter!
— Amy Miller (@amymiller) January 3, 2019
Thrilled to announce moving to LA has only cost me 400 trillion dollars so far!
— Mitra Jouhari (@tweetrajouhari) December 30, 2018