You know you’ve reached new heights in intimacy when you give your partner a pet name ― especially one you can’t say in public.
Below, bloggers and HuffPost readers share the funniest or most R-rated nicknames they have for their significant other. Read on, then comment with your favorite terms of endearment (hey, no judgment ― they can’t be any worse than ‘Poopstink’).
“So one of the pet names I call my husband, Jason, is Disco Stick. It comes from the Lady Gaga song ‘LoveGame.’ The lyric goes, ‘Let’s have some fun, this beat is sick. I want to take a ride on your disco stick.’ Our twin three-year-old daughters have asked me many times, ‘Mommy, what’s a disco stick?’” ― Shea Curry, blogger at Shameless Mama
“My nickname for my wife is ‘Poop-stink.’ Maybe ‘Poopstink.’ Not sure if it’s one word or hyphenated, but ‘Poop Stink,’ written as two words just doesn’t have the same feel to it. When I say it, I hear ‘Poopstink’ in my head. One word. Even if it is invented/not real. She got that nickname after having our kids, because after giving birth it became a little more troublesome for her to ‘hold her gas in,’ to put it delicately. To be more blunt: She’s my wife, and I love her to death, but she’s a fart-er. So there you have it.” ― Nathan Timmel, author of Hey Buddy… Dubious Advice from Dad
“My fiancé always refers to me as daddy. I can’t stand it but it makes me giggle every time.” ― Armand
“I don’t know about vulgar, but I call him ‘mammal.’ Like, ‘Mammal! I’m cold!’ Alternatively, I simply scream out ‘Body Heat!’ and he knows what that means. But that’s more of a command than a pet name.” ― Ina Shook
“My husband calls me Boobie Salad. Totally embarrassing and I’ve never told anyone!” ― Brittany Jennings
“I’m a natural-born redhead, a ginger, a carrot top. So unsurprisingly, my husband’s favorite dessert became ‘Carrot Cake.’ With five kids in the house, that became his secret word for me. All up until the day he texted our daughter (thinking he was texting his wife) and said, ‘Are you at the house? I think I might come home and have some carrot cake for lunch!’ She was entirely innocent and texted him back saying, ‘I think you meant this for mom.’ To this day, she hasn’t put it together! (Until she reads this article…)” ― Leslie Blanchard, blogger at a Ginger Snapped
“We call each other pupper. We’re huge dog people so pupper is a term of endearment.” ― AnnaMarie Stephens
“Before my husband, Bryan, and I were an item, we worked together. While at a conference, I noticed him holding a clipboard and directing attendees. With his fly open. I sauntered up and leaned in, whispering in his ear, ‘The barn door is open.’ He claims this is when he knew he wanted to marry me. That works out well, since as recent as yesterday, I still have occasion to repeat this phrase in any manner of sultry voices.” ― Penney Berryman
“Anytime my wife (Jen) offers me ridiculously obvious suggestions, I channel my inner Forrest Gump, look at her and reply with ‘Thanks Jennn-ay. I love you Jennn-ay.’ It seems to irk her. And anytime my attitude becomes completely overbearing and obnoxious, my wife will address me with the eloquent nickname ‘douchebag.’” ― Adrian Kulp, blogger at Dad or Alive
“I usually call my boyfriend John ‘Johnny,’ but I also refer to him as ‘This John’ a lot. I’m not sure how to explain it. Like ‘Just sitting on the couch with this John.’ Or ‘This is a nice John. Quality John.’ No idea how or when it got started but it makes him crack up every time!” ― Catana Chetwynd, illustrator at Catana Comics
“My fiancé and I sometimes refer to each other as ‘goat fucker’ or ‘chicken fucker.’ Really, any animal along with ‘fucker’ works and gets used but mainly goats … Occasionally, ‘shadoobie pot pie’ or ‘fart monster’ gets used, too. We’ve been together nearly four years and we’re getting married this October. I guess the dirtier the nickname, the happier the relationship.” ― Lindsey Patton
“I call my wife a variety of pet names ending with the word ‘tooth.’ Now, I’m not entirely certain why I began doing this, but ‘Hoagietooth’ and ‘Pumpkintooth’ and ‘Muffintooth’ are all names I have called her over our nearly 20 years as a couple. I think the origin is the old hot-pink cartoon character named Snagglepuss of ‘Exit Stage Left’ fame. His original name was to be Snaggletooth, and well, the word ‘tooth’ simply sounded like a cute and original suffix to add to foods she enjoys eating. Not all foods, of course, because who wants to be called French Onion Souptooth?” ― Jeff Bogle, blogger at Out With The Kids
“I call my husband Mike ‘Magic Mike’ because I would choose him over Channing Tatum on any day. Yes, I am serious. And, yes, I know Channing is back on the market, but every little thing my husband does is magic. (Except when he talks sports or politics.)” ― Jodi Meltzer Darter