Pretty much as expected, “Saturday Night Live” second-time host Amy Schumer didn’t hold back when it came to girl talk in her opening monologue. She opened up about tampons, borrowing tampons, the size of tampons, hook-ups and masturbation — even now that she’s a married woman.
And she dissed new husband Chris Fischer’s proposal.
“The way that my now-husband proposed was so worthless,” the February bride smiled tolerantly. “It was such a dumb proposal. It was the morning. I was still asleep. He threw the box at me and said, ‘I got you this.’ But that’s a realistic proposal, you know.”
Now that she’s married, “Some people are like, ‘What are you gonna talk about now in your standup? All you talked about was getting railed.’ I’m a little sad. I’m never gonna get a ‘You Up?’ text again,” she lamented.
Schumer boasted about how women have each other’s backs when it comes to borrowing tampons. Though there was that embarrassing time in a locker room when someone who offered to give her tampon asked: “What size?”
But seriously, “this one is just for the ladies,” she said. “Remember how we were raised with the illusion of equality? … then we got older.”
Schumer encouraged mothers to raise these boys “to be a little nicer at a young age.”
When “you’re a little girl and a little boy is mean to you or he teases you, what does everyone say?” she asked. “‘He likes you!’ … He pushed me on the floor. ‘You’re going to prom!’”
Schumer urged viewers to see her new movie “I Feel Pretty.” But she told people to “bring tissues … because you’re gonna want to masturbate.”
The entire “SNL” program was into female themes.
The usual political “SNL” cold open was replaced with a touching tribute by cast members to each of their moms who appeared on stage with their grown children. All of the mothers complained about the program’s politics.
Check out Amy’s video above, and the tribute to the moms here: