10 Breakup Horror Stories From Comedians You Can’t Help But Laugh At

3. The one after the first date

“I had just hit that dating sweet spot: My last boyfriend was far enough in the past that I was having a great, guiltless, tear-free time going out with people, but not so far away that I wanted another relationship. I met this guy at a bar. We’ll call him Eric. He had a guitar, and that was it for me. I’m a total sucker for the creative type. We went on a date, had great lingering eye contact, everything was going well. I remember thinking, ‘Hell yeah, I’m gonna see this dude naked tonight.’ After dinner he walked me to my car, and we started fooling around. Right when I was about to tell him to get in his car and follow me to my place, he broke the kiss and said, ‘Hey, so I think you’re great, but I’m not looking for anything serious.’ To which I replied, ‘Yeah, man, you’re fingering me in the parking lot of a karaoke bar. I’m obviously not trying to be in a relationship.’ It got real awkward, we each retreated to our cars, and I didn’t see him again.” ― Ariel Elias, a comedian in New York City

4. The one with Taco Bell and soiled sheets

“Not too long ago, I was in a place in my life where my basic integrity could be compromised for a mean guy with a beautiful dick. My stupid ass ignored a bunch of obvious red flags like him screaming at me for not using coasters or telling me that Korean was his favorite type of Asian. One night, after a ‘come to Jesus’ moment at a Taco Bell near his house, I went over to break up with him but ended up having sex instead, due to the aforementioned dick. The whole time we were having sex, I was fantasizing about how to break up with him. But then out of nowhere, he screamed, ‘Call me daddy!!’ which shocked me so much that I pooped on his white Ralph Lauren sheets. His face contorting in blind rage, I slowly backed out of his room and out of his life, forever. I’m pretty sure that’s ghosting?” Peter S. Kim, a comedian in Los Angeles

5. The one with the sad sandwich

“One dude I knew used to leave for work at 6 a.m. and stop by the bodega. He’d buy himself food and leave a bacon, egg and cheese for his girl, paid off, that she could pick up when she left at 7:30 a.m. It was cute. One day, I walk into the deli, and she’s mad that the counter guy was charging her, and he had to explain that her boyfriend didn’t leave it paid off. She called him and found out that their argument/breakup last night was real. She had it on speaker phone, so we all learned about the breakup together. She cried. Then we all chipped in a paid for her sandwich.” ― Gastor Almonte, a comedian in Brooklyn

http://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js